


Phone Wars

by followmetoyourdoom



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack Fic, allura sorts shit out, coran isnt really in this but if he was he'd provide A+ commentary, dumb idea i thought up at 3am, hunk tries to help, just silly stuff, keith is a hermit, lance is a filthy apple user, pidge is savage as fuck, shiro tries to control his children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 20:33:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8028013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/followmetoyourdoom/pseuds/followmetoyourdoom
Summary: When Lance's phone runs out of battery, someone else's must die. Find out who's in *presenter voice* Phone Wars!!





	Phone Wars

**Author's Note:**

> Just take this, I don't... I don't even know.

It was a quiet, peaceful evening aboard the castle of lions. Not a mice stirred and the tell tale tap tap tap of an iPhone keyboard could be heard if one concentrated enough.

And then, as if offended by the near silence, Lance cried out, "I'm _dying_."

Keith looked up at him, "No you're not."

"I'm on 7% and I'm _dying_ ," Lance waved his phone in the air, the screen so dim you could hardly tell it was on.

Pidge piped up from across the room, "Have you got it on power sav-"

"Of course I have," Lance interjected, " _and I'm still dying!_ "

"I have a phone," Keith said, in a rare attempt to be helpful. Really he just wanted to shut Lance up.

The blue paladin stared at him, dumbfounded. "You? You have a phone?"

This earnt Lance a very offended look from Keith. "I'm not a complete hermit you know." He dug through the pockets of his tiny jacket as Lance waited expectantly, wondering why he'd never seen him with a phone before.

Finally, Keith drew out… a flip phone. Granted it was a fairly modern one - it was sleek and had a weird black and white screen on the front of the device as well as a full colour one on the inside. But even so…

Lance looked at it with a mixture of disgust and disappointment on his face, trying to decide on how to address this insult of a phone.

"I'd rather die," he settled on, pushing the hand that help the flip phone away and going back to his own dying iPhone.

Keith angrily snatched it back, "Fine. Die then."

"I will."

"Lance, why don't you just charge it?" Pidge wisely suggested. Unfortunately, Pidge was dealing with Lance, who was not wise in the slightest - he'd left his charger back in his room in the Garrison. Which was billions of light years away.

"There are no chargers in space, Pidge!"

There was a mumbled count of 1 to 10 and then, "What phone do you have?"

Lance waved it in the air as if it wasn't plain to see, "iPhone, duh."

"Of course you do." A shake of the head. "Nice knowing ya," Pidge got up to leave and almost succeeded in getting out of there before Lance made sense of the situation.

"Why? What phone do you have?"

Pidge smirked, "Android."

"QUZNACK! You have the charger too, don't you?" He pointed accusingly.

"You know I do."

Lance quickly surveyed his options. "I'll trade you!" Times were desperate, any phone - except Keith's - would do.

"Hahahaha. No." And with that, Pidge left.

It would come to pass that Lance's phone would eventually die and Lance himself would end up in a heap of misery on the floor. Keith purposely taunted him with his own phone as he played snake at full volume.

The worst part of it was hearing the snake dying music over and over.

Like a sadistic saviour, Pidge returned, placing a spare iPhone battery next to the sobbing mess that was Lance, nudging him with a toe to bring his attention to it. Where such an item had been acquired from, Pidge refused to say and simply left once again.

As soon as he saw it, Lance's face lit up, the promise of extra phone life right within his reach. It soon fell however as he realised there was no conceivable way to actually switch out the batteries.

A note on the back of the battery further confirmed this.

_Removeable batteries are so handy, right? Oh. Oh my god. I am so sorry. Wow._

The sound that escaped Lance's mouth in that instant was not human. Indeed, it didn't even sound like any sort of animal on Earth.

Had Coran been in the room, he would have congratulated Lance on his remarkable impression of a Hurkleslout - one of the most infuriating races this side of the galaxy who tended to make such a noise in order to deter enemy invaders.

As it was, Keith stared at him, looked off into the distance, and slowly got up, leaving Lance to his Hurkleslout impressions.

It took two days for a solution to be found.

In that time, Lance had already built a shrine for his beloved phone, lamenting the loss of certain videos it contained. Pidge continued to meme, and Keith continued to fail miserably at snake.

It was down to Hunk.

He burst into Lance's room and presented him with a charger for his phone. It was made up of mismatched pieces and would definitely fail every single health and safety test it could ever be put under, but it worked. Where Hunk had got the spare parts from however, was a mystery.

That night as they ate, Lance had his eyes glued to his now fully charged phone, glee etched upon his face.

Keith flopped down at the table, grumpy as ever, but this time with a reason.

"Has anyone seen my phone?" he asked, eyes accusingly staring at Lance who hadn't even heard him.

It was a good job Keith was, predictably, focusing all his anger on Lance since this allowed Hunk to get away with choking on his food as he tried to shovel it all into his mouth. This was of course in an attempt to leave the table as quickly as possible because of the metaphorical flip phone blood - or well, oil - on his hands.

As Hunk left the room, unnoticed and unseen, Keith angrily poked Lance. Their conversation turned argument followed Hunk out the door.

"What?? I haven't seen your dumb phone."

"Oh yeah, well where is it?"

"I don't know, why is it so special to you anyway? It's just a flip phone, all you do is play snake on it."

"I have songs on there too!"

"Ah yes, old MCR albums and Fall Out Boys-"

"Fall Out _Boy_."

"Oh sorry, your edgelordship. Forgive me for forgetting the exact name of a fifty year old band!"

This went on for a while.

Eventually, Shiro arrived at the table, but even he couldn't silence the two boys. It took a shapeshifting nine foot tall Allura to shut them up, and even then the bickering would flare up on occasion.

A compromise was finally settled upon which involved silence in exchange for not throwing them both out the airlock.


End file.
